I am often tired and exhausted. Sometimes, to the point where I shutdown. Most people don’t realize that I can shutdown internally and still smile and laugh externally. It’s weird how masks can become ones reality. Even-though, I don’t try to wear masks but somehow they are an innate part of me.
Learned behavior.
Truthfully, I’ve never seen vulnerability and I don’t have a picture of what that looks like. I was never taught to be vulnerable. My teachers only demanded that I be strong and unapologetic. In so many words, I was taught to ignore my feelings because “this world don’t give a f****” about me.
I say this all the time, I was trained to be emotion-less. Do I believe this was on purpose? No. I believe that given the circumstances of my parents, my parents parents, and those before them I was given the best of what they knew and understand.
I have come to understand that NO ONE can give what they don’t possess.
There are many things I appreciate from my parents and ancestors. I believe that they succeeded in teaching me strength, financial stability, the importance of thinking and education, to be self-sufficient, why not to let everything get to you (I said why not how not to), and a few other things.
Their teachings has helped me to navigate (externally) through this world. Yet, internally I’ve been my worst plague. I’m not ashamed to admit that I am not the best at relationships, I’m learning to accept love, and I am learning to see myself as God does.
It has been a JOURNEY to detox myself from WRONG perceptions and ideas. To filter these ideas and perceptions through The Word of God and not through my upbringing. I’m not even off this journey. I am still climbing the mountain.
Grace and Peace
